Sunday Relaxation

Ok, this bit ‘o fluff was supposed to have been posted Friday. However, work called (this would be the part-time gig I have–primary job has ended) and they needed me. Now, since my body has gotten out of the habit of working every day, working three days in a row has my feet screaming at me in fifty-two languages. Seriously.

So, now that I’ve bought myself some ridiculously expensive work shoes from The Walking Company{Sidebar: Dang, y’all. My feet can’t take the combo of nice flat + Dr. Scholls Massaging Gel Insert not one more day. I keep saying it’s an investment, cause I NEVER pay that much for shoes}, I’m wondering what y’all do to unwind? Working retail is particularly grueling, I’ve learned (No clue how my mom does it every day–hell, I can barely manage part time three days a week!), and it feels really good to just come home, massage my feet with some soothing foot care products from The Body Shop, light some sandalwood incense, and put on some music.

Today’s CD comes from Amy Winehouse. I downloaded her first album, Frank, earlier this week from Rhapsody, and I have track 12, “Take The Box,” on repeat. That has to be the smoothest sounding break-up song I’ve heard in a while. {Sidebar the Second: Amy, please take care of yourself. You have AMAZING talent. Don’t throw it away on crack and booze. Seriously.} As I type this up, I’m slowly nodding my head to the music, sipping on a glass of ice water, and simultaneously browsing Epicurious. Oh, I’ve found dinner for this evening:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo credit goes to Romulo Yanes. That up there is Turkey Pot Pie with Cheddar Biscuit Crust. Yeah, it’s kinda warm for a pot pie, but I have a taste for it today.

So spill it! What do y’all do to relax? Usually, I’d read, but after work some days all I want is something brightly colored to run across my TV screen, so I usually put on whatever cartoon looks good. Oftentimes it’s Spongebob, other nights, it’s Family Guy. Sometimes it’s a meditation session. And sometimes, I just go to bed. Sleep is awesome, y’all.

Y’all enjoy the rest of the weekend!

In Which I Ramble About Privilege

Yeah. I’m still here, folks. Sorry about the inadvertent hiatus. I had a job interview last week (it went great; yay!) and I was helping my mom ring in her 45th year (Happy Birthday, Mom!), so I got a bit sidetracked.

But y’all know I’ve been keeping up with the Fatosphere.

So, I (as I’m sure many other people have) read Aunt Fattie’s column yesterday. Outside of the various insightful comments, one term kept popping up frequently: privilege.

It’s something I think a lot about, this privilege, because it’s something that, in my self-acceptance journey, I have become more conscious of. And it extends way beyond fat privilege for me, because I’m also Black.

See, what folks don’t realize is that there’s a hierarchy in the Black community when it comes to fat AND when it comes to skin color.

Now, it seems to be the general idea that the Black community is more accepting of fat folks (if you want my view on that as it pertains to dating Black men, click here.) It really isn’t true, we just tend to describe it a bit differently. You have skinny, then thick, then fat (and many different words to describe what comes between). In my experience, it’s been the “thick” that’s most coveted, but that’s strictly what I see (YMMV). Now, a thick girl may not understand the issues I face as a fat woman, but she’s not as privileged as say, the skinny woman. However, the skinny woman might say that the thick woman has it better because she has more curves (yes folks, I’ve witnessed this discussion.) and so on. All this to say, there’s issues at every size.

But now, I never really thought about the color hierarchy until I focused on the fat hierarchy. For example: my freshman year of high school, my best friend was a fat, dark-skinned girl. She was awesome, and we got along so well. I looked smaller than she, but that’s because I was taller. We both wore the same size.

One day, I overheard a group of boys talking about she and I, and one guy pipes up “Wait, who’s T.?”

Other dude: “Oh, that’s the big, fat crispy (in reference to skin tone) girl that hangs around FashionableNerd.”

First dude: “Oh, hell, that chick is ugly! So I know FN has to be fucked up in the face to hang around her.”

Other dude: “Nah, man, she’s a light-skinned chick. Long hair and stuff. She ain’t all that skinny, but she’s alright.”

Notice how my skin color trumped my fat? I didn’t think about it then, as I was too busy laying a sound barrage of foul language on the boys for speaking of my friend in such a manner (if y’all think I have a filthy mouth NOW…let me tell you, this is a kinder, gentler me compared to then, yo). But when I started reading more discussions about White privilege and fat privilege and so on, I realized that racial and size privilege runs so much deeper than folks realized. T and I were the SAME SIZE, but they saw her dark skin AND fat. Me? Just my skin color. Which amazes me, because, what–you can be fat and lighter skinned, and that’s cool, but a pox on your house if you have nerve enough to be both fat AND darker skinned? Boggles the mind, y’all.

The older and more militant I became, the more I noticed the color privilege I had. I would always get compliments on my “beautiful, light brown skin”, when I’d have an equally gorgeous cocoa-colored friend sitting right next to me being ignored. Coupled with the long hair I had then, I’d get random IGNORANT questions about “what I was mixed with” because clearly, my Blackness ain’t enough to garner beauty. I have to fit some European ideal, and so my mom or dad has to be White, right? {This isn’t a shot at White people, just the beauty ideal. End disclaimer.}

But besides the shunning I noticed, I found that some of my darker-skinned friends were ashamed of their skin color, much as some fat people are conditioned to be ashamed of their fat. For example, my friend A. and I wanted to go out one weekend and have some fun.  When I suggested the beach (I was living in Florida at the time), she said, “Girl, no! I can’t afford to get any darker than I already am!”

Me: “What the—wait, WHAT?”

A.: “Come on now. YOU can get darker, you’re already light. I can’t get any darker, men won’t want me.”

A. is this gorgeous modelesque woman with long dark hair and coffee colored skin. Her body wasn’t keeping her from the beach, her skin tone was, and I was just amazed at that. In fact, I figured I’d be having a hard time cause, whoa, fat chick in bathing suit! But like most folks with privilege, I never even thought skin color would be an issue. It shouldn’t be an issue at all, but the more we as a society lean more towards the European beauty ideal, the more prevalent the issue will become.

But don’t think that the lighter skinned Black woman has it easier, now. IntellectualFeminist and I had a convo awhile back about skin tone and how it affected us when we were younger. She is much fairer than myself with jewel-green eyes. Where I’d get questions about what I was “mixed with”, she’d get questions asking “what ARE you”, as if she was some newly discovered creature. But then, it’s often I would see some of the fairer Blacks be discounted in some conversations surrounding racism and the Black experience, because they weren’t “Black enough” to count. I’d find myself telling her, oh, but I know EXACTLY how you feel, but seriously? I don’t, and she called me out on that, as she should have. See how messy and tangled the world of privilege is?

I think, that in the quest of understanding one another, both inter-racially and intra-racially (did I invent words here? if so, sorry, but I think y’all get my drift) we have to look at the various levels of privilege that we may have. It isn’t a perfect solution, if one would even call it a solution at all. But it is a tactic, and one folks would do well to try out sometime.

Making Waves?

For those who know me well, and even a few who don’t, the fact that I am even aware of this may come as a shock. After all, I care nothing about fashion of any kind unless it comes from a thrift store or is a pair of converses. But I must say when this came up on my news feed I just couldn’t help myself. Apparently Vogue Italia’s July issueis a special one. It features Black women only, and issues related to Black women. (Side note: I haven’t read the issue, ergo, I have no clue what said issues are. I am always suspicious of blanket statements such as this one, but I am only the messenger). I never know what to think when confronted with things like this. But I  must say, the editor of Vogue Italia really surprised me with some of the interviews I have been reading. For instance:

I thought, it’s ridiculous, this discrimination,” said Mr. Meisel, speaking by phone from his home in Los Angeles. “It’s so crazy to live in such a narrow, narrow place. Age, weight, sexuality, race — every kind of prejudice.”

…Mr. Meisel has his own theories about why black models, save for the token few, have disappeared from runways. “Perhaps the designers, perhaps the magazine editors,” he said. “They are the powerful people. And the advertisers. I have asked my advertising clients so many times, ‘Can we use a black girl?’ They say no.” The concern is that consumers will resist the product, he said. “It all comes down to money.”

Basically, Meisel (a fashion photographer) has decided to tackle every issue of racial and size discrimination in the fashion industry in one neat little issue. Apparently, it’s just that simple. Put an issue with black women and a spread with Tocarra (America’s Next Top Model’s original plus size poster child) and all is right with the world. I suppose having an all-black issue fudges the stats in terms of how diverse Vogue Italia might be, but dedicating a specialized issue in this way regardless of the statement it makes still leaves black women or plus size models in the margins. This is something that frustrates me, especially with fat women who statistically make up the majority.

Ok. Here’s my thing. I am all for exposing discrimination and fostering dialogue about potential prejudices, whatever they maybe. But one aspect of the fashion industry that really burns me up is the fact that designers, magazine editors and models are all willing to criticize an industry while participating it all at the same time. So it seems almost hypocritical to me for this editor to vent frustrations with the lack of black models and the refusal of advertisers to use black models. It seems hypocritical when you think about how much money this person makes by participating in this system.

I do think it’s important to criticize our own communities and change things from the inside out. But it’s awfully pretentious to climb on that high horse and act like you have not contributed in some way.

But what is really frustrating to me is the fact that I can’t decide for myself the best way to go about this. I do think it’s important to change the mainstream ideology but can that be done from the inside? I want to say yes but I just don’t buy into this all the way. Is it possible to be a part of the system and criticize it or does it always have to come from the outside? Which way os more effective? I wish I had answers.

Makeup and Me Part 2: Beauty Swag!

Since I gave y’all my makeup wearing background and asked about y’alls favorite makeup lines and products, I figured, why not share mine? This post is gonna be chock full of gorgeous swag AND coupon codes so y’all can grab some wonderful beauty products too. I’m all about saving a dollar when I can.

Now, in case y’all hadn’t realized it, I love to shop. One would think I have much more money than I have considering the amount of shopping I do. Not so. I believe in coupons and such, so whenever I find a company I love, I sign up for emails and whatever rewards program they have.

So, first up is Sephora. I love grabbing their bath and body line, and a while ago I discovered the Whipped Body Delights. They’re super moisturising, and they smell so delicious. I grabbed this set:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the Sorbet Set. It comes with four scents: Pink Grapefruit, Grapeseed, White Peach, and Lemon Drop. I loved all but the pink grapefruit. There was nothing bad about it; I’m just not a fan of grapefruit in any form (the actual fruit, juice, scents…yeah. ew.) But my mother absolutely loves it. There is also an Ice Cream Set available (that’s getting ordered next week). It has Coffee & Cream, Peppermint Mocha, Marshmallow, and Vanilla Frosting in the set. Don’t want to commit to four at once? Well, they also sell some individually (but many of the scents I mentioned only come in the sets). What I would do is order the sets, pick my favorites, and give away the rest. The sets will run you $20 apiece, and the individual ones run from $4 to $8 depending on the scent.

Now, this is the thing about Sephora. If you want their deals, you’re totally gonna have to sign up for their emails. Also, join their Beauty Insider club! It’s free! They send emails with special codes to deluxe(read: bigger sized) samples, and when you spend $100, you get a special super deluxe sample with your next order. I’m up to 90 points. Yeah. Oh, and if you want their sale stuff? Type “sale” in their search bar, and it’ll take you to the sale section. Some stuff is up to 70% off!

Next up: Clinique. Now, Clinique is absolutely not cheap. I know, I know. But you can still get great deals from their website. Join Club Clinique (again, it’s free!) or join the email list…or do both like me. Every week I get a new code towards getting extra swag with my order or free shipping…or both. For example, this week, you can get a free travel-size Superbalm Moisturising Gloss and free shipping with any purchase by entering CONCERNS at checkout. BUT! You gotta be a Club Clinique member to redeem. So go do that. Now. Go. Because the code’s only good till June 23.

Ok, Ok. I keep showing y’all places with the not so cheap swag. Let me make it up (ha! puns! I’m so funny.) to you. Welcome to Eyes Lips Face. Y’all, the first time I met this website I was AMAZED. Just about everything there (excluding the mineral makeup and the bath and body stuff) is just $1. No, seriously. I spent about $25 dollars that first visit and got a BOATLOAD of swag. Now typically, I’m not an advocate of the $1 makeup, because I feel one should pay for quality. Y’all, this makeup is the awesome, even for that $1, and I did a mini shopping spree not to long ago. I spent maybe $15 total (shipping and all folks) and got some great stuff. My favorite pieces to grab? The brightening eye color, the liquid eyeliner, and the Super Glossy Lip Shine. With deals this good, who needs offer codes? YOU DO, because even with these prices, they still send out codes, tips, and looks in their emails. So go sign up for that. Oh, and you get a gift for your birthday.

Still want some cheapie looks? Well, head on over to Ulta! They have a mix of the bargains (you can get your CoverGirl, Revlon, Almay, and such here) and the luxe (Urban Decay, Too Faced, Lorac, Smashbox) so you can decide how much of a treat you want to give yourself. They also have great bath and body items…seriously, y’all, Ulta has everything. Including a rewards program (Ulta Beauty Rewards), which helps you earn points towards free swag, and awesome gifts with purchase. Sign up for the emails, and every week, you get a new coupon code to put towards your online purchases (get the rewards card, and you’ll get coupons in the mail you can take to the stores!) So, to get you started, use promo code 93849 to get $3.50 off a $10 or more purchase. If you decide to scoop some BareMinerals, do so from here, because you can get it shipped to you free when you enter code SHIPBAREFREE at checkout. AND if you spend $40 or more you get a free Rose Radiance All Over Face color too…while supplies last. Hop on this one now, folks, ’cause BareMinerals goes fast. These promotions end June 28, 2008, so you have a little time to fully click about the site and decide what you want. For more special offers, click here to go to a listing.

And finally, I wanted to show you some swag I scooped from Urban Decay. I’m pretty new to the brand, but they have the bold, eye-popping colors I absolutely love. I signed up for email updates the other day, and I was excited to get an email with a code to get a free mini lipgloss set. I’d give y’all the code…but it expired (sorry, y’all. but next code I’ll share, I promise!) Here’s the lipgloss set:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the XXX Shine Stash. It’s a set of mini forms of their XXX Shine Gloss. It has peppermint oil, so it gives you a bit of a tingle when you put it on, and the colors are very blendable (even the red isn’t too harsh) so you can layer it over lipstick or just wear it alone for a sheer hit of color. Yours for $25.

I also scooped some Flavored Body Powder:

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is a pic of the Cocoa, but it also comes in Caramel, Marshmallow, and Honey. I have the Caramel. It leaves a beautiful shimmer, and if your date/significant other/puppy gets friendly, they get a burst of flavor with each kiss…or puppy kiss. Yours for $15 to $26, depending on the flavor.

And to round out my first Urban Decay order, I scooped some eyeshadow. I picked Midnight Cowgirl, a gorgeous sparkly pale gold color.

Now, if y’all are looking for brands/stores that don’t do animal testing? Urban Decay (and it’s sister site, Hard Candy), Too Faced, Eyes Lips Face cosmetics, Clinique, Almay, and many others (these are my favorites) don’t. If you aren’t sure, go to the product’s website and look. Often, they’ll have a section where they’ll state if they do. Can’t find it? More than likely they do, or you’ll have to go to the corporate website to find out. Such is the case of many drugstore brands (like CoverGirl, you’d have to go to Proctor and Gamble’s website to find out.)

And so ends the beauty swag post. Did I leave out any deals y’all know about? Didn’t mention your favorite cosmetic store or brand? Leave them in the comments! And y’all have a glamorous day!

Makeup and Me

This piece was inspired by this post over at Nudemuse. Confound me for leaving it in my idea journal so long! I promise I’m gonna get better about putting my posts on the actual blog in a timely manner, really I am!

I remember a conversation I had with my lil’ bro when I was sixteen (this would make him ten). We were getting ready for dinner, my family and I, and mom and I were getting all dolled up with the make-up.

Him: *intently watching me line my eyes* “Why do y’all put all that stuff on your face?”

Me: “What stuff? My eyeshadow?”

Him: “All of that stuff. It makes you look fake. Are you hiding something?”

Me: *quietly shoves him out of the doorway and shuts door*

My Mom: “I’m gonna have to learn that boy some tact.” (No, she seriously said it like that. I cracked up and nearly poked my eye out with the mascara.)

At the time, I had no idea how to really answer the question about why I wear makeup. I just liked the stuff. I fancy myself a bit of an artist, and for me, my face was just another place to wear extravagant colors or try different color combinations. Granted, I typically did my makeup oddly in those days. I never put shadow in the creases or browbones. I only shadowed the lid and lined my eyes, and wore plenty of mascara. And I don’t know if this applies to anyone else (I mean, I could see everyone else’s lids when I stared directly into their faces), but it’s like my lids disappear when you look directly in my face, so all one really saw was my liner and lashes. Great if that’s all I wanted to show…but it wasn’t. But I digress.

As I became more adept with the shadow, I found myself pairing yellow shadow with orange and black (I looked like some type of tropical bird, y’all. Real talk.) and the question my lil bro asked arose in my head again…”Why do you wear that stuff?” Well, I could wax poetic about how I’m enhancing my natural beauty and further encouraging myself to step from the shadows into the light, but seriously, y’all?

I wear it because I like it. Nothing to hide, as 10 year old lil bro assumed. In fact, I made my first foray into makeup when I was in my tomboy phase my freshman year of high school. I used clothes to hide away. It drove my mom absolutely nuts. So, to make my mom feel better (she worked at a cosmetics company at the time) I would wear super shiny gloss, then graduated to brown glosses (she took what she could get, ’cause I wasn’t gonna wear pink). The rest was history. Essentially, I just think makeup is pretty.

Interestingly enough, I went slightly dramatic with the eyes when I went to lil godsis’ graduation. I had false lashes, pretty black liner, hair yanked up so you could see the full effect (I also had on a FIERCE spagetti-strapped dress), the whole nine. My mom peeked her head in my room as I was admiring my work, and she says: “Wow. That’s pretty. It’s the most makeup I’ve ever seen you wear.”

Me: “Wait. Is it too much?” (I love color, but I tend not to be heavy with it.)

Her: “No, it looks great. It’s just..I’ve never seen you wear that much. I didn’t know you could do that. It’s amazing.”

Me: *smile*

Heh. Well, maybe I also wear makeup for compliments on styling–at least, every once in a while. I’m a bit conceited, I guess.

So, what makeup do y’all wear? Do you have a favorite feature you like to play up? Do you go wild with lipsticks and gloss? Or are you all about the eyes, like me? Are you all natural, like IntellectualFeminist? Oh, and what are y’alls favorite lines? I just got some great beauty swag I’ll be sharing with y’all soon, but I’m always on the lookout for new lines to try.

 

My Beautiful Mommy?

The other day in class, one of the students, who also teaches women’s studies at another university, said that she honestly believes that the way we as a feminist community will able to change society is by teaching our daughters. I would take that one step further and say we should teach our sons as well, but I really think she is on to something. The next day, I excitedly read my new issue of Bitch magazine. In it, I found a review of this book written for children with mothers preparing to have plastic surgery.

I am positive that this is not what my classmate was talking about.

I was in such disbelief about this ridiculous piece of literature, that I went to my local bookstore and read it for myself. What a waste of paper this was. The author should have marketed a series of refridgerator magnets that read “Feeling like shit about yourself is totally fine. Just have surgery.”

Seriously, when the mom explains to the kid why she is having surgery she says something to the effect of: when you get old you get wrinkly, things sag, and you gotta have surgery to make yourself pretty again.

What the fuck?

I want to make something painfully clear here. This book is being marketed to children between the ages of 4 and 9. What kind of message are we sending children so young? Children that young have enough to worry about. Why add a fear of getting old and an anxiety about their bodies?

And besides, when did something like going under the knife become fairy tale material. I read the book and I can tell you there was not one page dedicated to the fact that mommy could die from surgery. Or what happens when you read your kid the book and then something goes terribly wrong and you don’t come out “prettier”? What the fuck do you do then?

I am so sick and tired of the nonchalant way in which society at large deals with the problem of hating one’s body. People treat it like getting your period. It’s as though it’s just a part of life that you have no control over. This is why I love the fatosphere. It’s a community in every way, teaching young women (and old) how to love themselves and that they have more control over this process than they think.

So, in light of this new information I decided something. If the powers that be decided to render all birth control methods incapable of working on me (which is my worst nightmare but altogether possible) and I have a daughter I am going to write a little book of my own, since it’s seems to be trendy these days. The title of this book will be: Don’t Believe Anything You See on TV, and the Things You Read Are Probably Bullshit Too! So there you have it. 

What Do You Say

…to a good friend that’s having a bad-body day? For those unfamiliar, a Bad-Body Day is one of those days where one’s life or perception is so out of control, one feels all they can do to improve it is to turn that frustration and anger on their bodies.

My trigger is stress. When I look at my life sometimes, I wonder what the hell I did wrong to keep me from being where I wanted to be by this time. I should be in law school, with my own apartment, a nice little gig in a law firm to make some extra cash, stuff like that. Instead, I’m living with my mom, working two jobs (and one, since it’s temporary, will be ending in a couple weeks or so), school is but a semi-distant dream right now, my mom–while she’s on the mend–rarely tells me what’s going on with her financially, so I worry about being able to help out more, and my jobs don’t pay enough for me to do much. But I do what I can. And all of that frustration, all of that self-disappointment, all that anger, gets turned towards my body. When I wrote that convo between Dr. Jekyll and myself, I was having a bad day already, then I read some unsavory literature, and all that in my head equalled DIET.  I can’t fix shit else in my life right now, but if I skip a couple of meals, work out about 3 hours a day, I can fix this body! Which is absolutely irrational, I know. But I go there on occasion. I pulled myself back, but what can one say to a friend who hasn’t come far enough in her acceptance journey yet to pull herself back as easily?

My friend lives in one of the most aesthetic driven cities on Earth. She texted me today, telling me how she found herself wanting to be thin like her coworkers.  So I asked why she wanted to be thin, because it’s been my experience that thin=fixing all things bad in life. She responded that many of her coworkers are younger than her (she’s 25), thin (she’s an inbetweenie), and married (yep, she’s single). So then she caught herself and asked if maybe she was equating married with skinny. I told her probably so, but we all have those moments, and allowing yourself to think about it sometimes will help you work through it so you can reject it the next time it comes up.

And the convo progressed from there. I’m doing what I can to make it better, but she and I are so much alike, I know that it’s something she has to work out in her own head, much like I do. But I know the positive words go a long way to help too. At least, I hope what I’m saying helps.

So, I open the floor to y’all. What do y’all do when faced with a Bad-Body Day? Do you write, read a good book, or watch a funny movie? Do you take a walk and appreciate nature? What do you say to try to uplift a friend in the middle of a Bad-Body Day?

On The Democratic Primaries

I am a Black Female Democrat. And I’ve been watching the Democratic primaries with avid interest. When it was confirmed that Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were actively seeking the nomination, my response was IT IS ABOUT FUCKING TIME.

Seriously. In a melting pot such as this, in a supposedly progressive country as this, why the hell did it take so long for there to be two viable candidates that were female or Black? I think I danced around my room a bit when the news was confirmed.

But then, I did a bit of research…and while the women that we know of that ran either for the Presidency or on a ticket (Shirley Chisholm and Carol Mosley Braun, to name a couple) were relatively famous, there were actually 35 other women that have run. Yeah. For real. Jump over here and check out twelve other women who wanted to join the big dance. And no, Senator Obama isn’t the first Black man to run. Jesse Jackson, Alan Keyes, and Al Sharpton all ran. So then, what makes this election so historical?

This year, a woman and a Black man actually had a CHANCE.

Now, I don’t mean chance as in them having the time or that discrimination prevented it (at least, not this time). I mean that America finally has the mindset to rally against the White male archetypal president. We could also be sick of the president we currently have (FN Rant: My CAR KEYS would make a better president than we have now. And I don’t have a car. End rant.) and want some relief from the foolishness the current administration has lavished upon the American people since Bush first stole the election. Yeah. I said it. And I meant it. (/bitter Former Floridian) And while I am a cynic and die-hard conspiracy theorist, I am excited to be able to witness the time where a woman and a Black man can not only just run, but be real viable candidates for president.

When I was a little girl, I used to tell people I want to go to law school, become a lawyer, open my own practice, and be the first Black woman president. Folks would smile and tell me to aim for the stars. And while that dream hasn’t died, I am excited and hopeful that by the time I’m old enough to run for President (I’m 23 now), that the first Black woman president title will be taken. In fact, my hope would be that by the time I’m able to run, we won’t have to worry about breaking gender or racial boundaries. It’ll simply be another election. That will be when we know we’ve made true progress in America.

And as for the Democratic Primaries dragging out for so long? While I am an Obama supporter, I would genuinely been happy with either senator. But I wanted there to be a daggone nominee already! So, once I saw the results of last night’s primaries, this song popped in my head:

I just want it to be over. This presidency…I just want it to be over. And with the quality of these candidates…we’ll have something wonderful to look forward to.

ETA: If the video up there isn’t working, click here so you can see it. It’s Keyshia Cole’s “I Just Want It To Be Over.”

 

Where are the men?

So, grad school (specifically my Masculinity course) has me thinking.  It seems that women are the crux of the FA movement (I too am guilty of perpetuating that trend). This is understandable for reasons that would take another post to explain, but I think we all get the picture. But I/we should not forget that men are also subject to the same expectations and anti-fat rhetoric. It seems, according to the literature I’ve been reading day after day, that physicality has been a defining characteristic of manhood since the founding fathers. Some things never change.

Take sports for example. Athletes fair very well in the income hierarchy. We as a society, economically speaking, value the superb physical strength of athletes even more than teachers. But think about how much less women athletes get paid for the same thing. It just goes to show how significant these physical attributes are for men. Before anyone gets angry, I realize how much dedication and work it takes to be an athlete. I myself was an athlete at one time or another. I have a great amount of respect for people who exemplify the skill and dedication it takes to be the best. But I resent the fact that society places a higher worth on physical strength than the strength people have in between the ears.

The most depressing example of the kind of fat hatred that men must endure occurs in Hollywood. In movies, it’s like fat men are only qualified to play two roles. The first being the comedian. Don’t get me wrong. There are a number of respectable fat funnymen. But there should be just as many leading men. It’s like these men aren’t qualified to play serious roles. Secondly, fat men are relegated to the position of sidekick. Which in theory is a derivative of the comedian, because the sidekick provides comic relief. (Think Superbad, if anyone has seen it). 

I don’t think that anyone should be the subject of ridicule. And although the movie industry would never admit it, I believe that these men are cast for the apparent comedy of their looks as well as their acting ability. This is really unfortunate.

When am I going to get to see that leading man with a little meat on his bones (or a lot). I want a love interest I can wrap my arms all the way around. After all, when I fantasize about my completely fictional but nonetheless entertaining happy ending (Hollywood style), the man there with me is always a big, broad shouldered, no stranger to good home cooking, piece of…well you get the picture.

So, while there are some trailblazers changing what we see on television (Monique, pre slimfast Queen Latifah, and my personal favorite Nikki Blonsky, who is absolutely adorable),where are the leading men that break the trend? Have we really come that far?

Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde Speak

Every now again my diet mind (Dr. Jekyll) and I (Ms. Hyde) have a conversation. Usually it takes place in my idea journal, where I keep short stories and plot lines housed. But, following a round of reading some, eh, unsavory literature on-line (I don’t follow Sanity Watchers. I probably should.), my diet brain wormed its way back into my subconscious. So, I wrote down my internal dialogue in my idea journal, and I’d thought I’d reprint it here for you (modified to protect anonymity, naturally). The acceptance thing doesn’t always come easy, y’all.

Dr. J: Ha! So you’re listening to me today. I knew I’d be able to get back into your mind.

Me: Eh. Don’t think you can overtake me. I’m holding to my new convictions.

Dr. J: New convictions? You’re still on that Fat Acceptance bullshit?

Me: It isn’t bullshit, thank you very damn much.

Dr. J: Of course it is. If you weren’t having doubts about this ridiculous movement, you wouldn’t be talking to me right now. So what diet will it be today? Or do you need some motivation? Did you notice your thighs today?

Me: No diet. I’m having a rough day body-wise, but I’m not allowing you to take over my life. Not again. And don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’ve been talking to my mama lately.

Dr. J: Oh, yeah. I mean, I can’t seem to force her to bother you about your weight, but I can sure make her speak about her weight loss. I mean, it isn’t ALL affirmative, but I’ll take what I can get. I mean, I managed to get YOUR attention today.

Me: You know what, you’re a bastard. My mother is ILL. She has colon issues! She losing weight because she can’t eat very much of anything. {Side note: her issues are non-life threatening. They just cause a whole lot of discomfort. Since this has been written, and it’s been a while, she’s gotten it under control and is feeling better.} And I’m not seeing getting excited by losing weight that way. Also: I’m gonna have to ask you to let my godmother alone. Don’t have her cosigning Mama’s weight loss.

Dr. J: Why not? Weight loss is important, so you should achieve it by any means!

Me: At the expense of my good sense? My well-being? You know what, it’s a reason you and I aren’t cool; you don’t help me lose a damned thing but my mind. And I need my mind.

Dr. J: What does Fat Acceptance do for you? Sounds like some code for giving up. So, you’re a quitter. I knew you didn’t care enough to do what you need to do. Fat is unhealthy, you know!

Me: Wrong. I accept myself for who I am. Apparently, myself is fat. It is what it is. Hell, 22 years and some odd months of dealing with YOUR tired ass hasn’t made me thin. Listening to you berate me hasn’t made me thin. Listening to you talk to me–being “concerned” for me–through others HAS NOT MADE ME THIN. What Fat Acceptance has done for me is actually enjoy working out without worrying about what the scale says. I measure my “success”, if you want to call it that, by how flexible and strong I feel, and THAT keeps me moving and having fun. Perhaps you never noticed that when I never lost weight by doing those magical exercise poses, I QUIT DOING THEM BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I FAILED. When I adopted Health at Every Size (HAES), I adopted a way to help myself feel healthy and become healthy without having that fuckin’ scale attached to my ankle. When I saw how poorly fat people were treated, FA gave me script to read from, a way to react, a way to help instead of simply wondering what to do. FA gave me a reason to really question everything that YOU and everyone else ever told me. I finally had an opposing viewpoint, instead of just ONE view that had been hammered into my head since I was knee-high to a piano bench. I’ve researched both sides of the coin. Thoroughly. And I reject you, Dr. Jekyll. Because your perception doesn’t fit my reality, and I know this rings true for others.

Dr. J: You know what, you act as if you have all this mouth, and that FA is all that wonderful. But again, you continue to let me back in. You continue to speak to me. You have to be having doubts. All must not be good in paradise, girl, because here I am. Like I told you, fat is unhealthy. You, because you are fat, are unhealthy. You ought to be happy that you’re smart and have a pretty face otherwise you’d have no redeeming qualities at all.

Me: No. See, you let yourself in because I’m having a bad day. But you haven’t made me change my mind. You weren’t present when the doctor told me I was healthy. I don’t have high blood pressure, no diabetes, nothing. My mind is powerful and beautiful, and is connected to a face that is beautiful, which is connected to a body that is, yep, you guessed it, powerful and beautiful! My weight has jack shit to do with the woman I am; fat is not an insult, it’s an adjective, and it can’t hurt me. Not anymore. Furthermore, not every fat person is unhealthy because of their fat, and they shouldn’t be abused because they happen to be fat and unhealthy. Hell, I don’t see you worrying the shit out of thin, unhealthy people. Why the hell can’t you see it isn’t any of your business either way?! Folks should not be ridiculed or hounded because of their size or health level. Period. We are not an aesthetic. We are PEOPLE.

Dr. J: So, you’re encouraging OTHER people to be unhealthy? What if diets work for them? How can you take their hope away from them! Clearly, this whole FA phase you’re going through seems really self-centered.

Me: Actually, I’m encouraging other people to take the information they have and compare it to the information I and other bloggers in the Fatosphere have. If they choose to reject it, that’s fine. I’d rather they make an informed decision rather than mindlessly following the same ideals. If one needs to make a decision about FA or not, then let it be educated. And if diets work for them, I think that’s lovely. I hope they’re happy with their progress, and I hope it continues to work. However, if the tide changes and it doesn’t stick, I hope they know it isn’t a bad thing, and they should love themselves regardless. And I also think they shouldn’t look down on those who think and act differently than they do regarding dieting. I dislike DIETS, not DIETERS. Further, I don’t seek to take away anyone’s hope. I just feel folks should know all the story and not just half. Sometimes one can do everything “right” and it still not work as one expects. Fat isn’t a moral failing. I just want folks to know that, and in that vein, it can’t be all about me, because I want everyone to know just that: fat is not a moral failing. So you go to hell, Dr. Jekyll. You’ve taken up enough of my brain today. Go annoy someone else. But know this, every day more and more people reject your ideals and standards of beauty.

Dr. J: Oh, ok. I’ll leave. But know this, the spirit of my thoughts lies in the brain of every person that comes here to harass you. It lies in every person who loses weight, keeps it off, and deliberately makes you feel bad for not trying it too. It lies in every person who gives you dirty looks when you go out to eat. I’m there. And I’ll never be too far away, darling, should you chose to come back to the side of good sense.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah. It’s pretty lengthy. Ordinarily, Dr. J would have won, and I’d be on diet 28379817378, but this time…no. I think I had to write out my convictions for myself to see just how far I’ve come. And I still have some work to do…so I can get rid of Dr. J permanently. I hope that anyone else that reads this can see just what the movement stands for, and is willing to see both sides of the coin. And if y’all are having a bad body day, you can reaffirm your convictions too.