Alrighty. I’ve been gone due to some technical issues on my end (yay for switching Internet providers!), but it’s just as well. I’ve been having some body issues.
Usually, my body issues last for about a day or so. Not this time. This Bad Body Day has been festering for the better part of two weeks. It’s pretty much healed now, but damn, y’all, what a doozy.
I can’t even place where this one came from. It might have been the impending bridesmaid’s gown purchase. It might have been clothes browsing with mom. I don’t know. But one morning, as I’m preparing for my daily workout, it slapped me in the forehead: ooh! If you keep this up, and reduce some of that food you’ve been eating, you can totally take 20lbs off! Just in time for that dress fitting!
*record scratch noise* What? Where in the mauve hell did THAT come from?!
I haven’t thought like that for the better part of 4 months or so, so it disturbed me enough to call a temporary suspension of working out. Now, I know, for some people it would have made more sense to continue working out, strengthening the body, and showing oneself that yes, one’s body is fine. I’m a bit odd in that aspect, however. If I were to do that, I would have subconsciously started restricting, lengthening workout times, recording what I ate and how much of it, and it all would have dissolved into FOR THE LOVE OF BISCUITS AND GRAVY, do you have ANY IDEA how many calories are in that lemon wedge you want to put in my glass of water?!
Ahem. Sorry. Yeah. See, my diet-mind is a touch hyperactive. And I wasn’t about to entertain that.
I decided, once I got my Internet back, to go through the fatosphere and catch up, filling my brain with delicious food for thought. And this morning, I rolled over and heard bones pop.
Me: Ouch!
Body: Yep. I need to move today, girl. I don’t know what you and your Diet-Mind have going on, but I need some exercise over here.
Me: But, but–
Body: ENOUGH. It’s enough now. You know and I know I have no earthly intentions of losing any weight. Now, go pick a DVD so we can MOVE already. Frankenstein’s Monster has more fluidity than I do right now!
Me: Ok, ok. So, what do you feel like doing? Oh, how about this: Pure Sweat! Let’s do that!
Body: Um, I haven’t moved in TWO WEEKS. I want to be stretched, not broken. Let’s do the Just My Size Yoga.
Me: Sounds great.
So I stretched. And breathed. And moved. And meditated. And you know what? I’m still on that quest to find body nirvana, but I feel like I might have experienced what it’ll feel like when I get there.
My friend and I had to stop tapping away in Excel for 10 minutes to read this post.
My favorite line:
“FOR THE LOVE OF BISCUITS AND GRAVY!”
Can I just say that resulted in PEALS of laughter. PEALS. Thank you for making my day.
Heh. I actually said that line in conversation the other day and got the same result. Glad you got a good laugh!
I get it all the time, used to be anorexic and bulimic, and sometimes that stupid negative voice pops up with a great idea to live on coffee and yoghurt for a while, or just eat a little meal once a day so as to just slim down a bit.
http://webescape.wordpress.com/
Webescape, while I’ve never had an eating disorder, I understand that recovery is difficult. If you still happen to be clicking around the fatosphere, may I suggest http://www.the-f-word.org? It’s a blog written by a woman who writes about her continued recovery from an eating disorder. She also has other resources on her blog about recovery too.
yep, i relate a bit. feels kind of schizophrenic to try and be positive after several intense workouts, thinking ‘i’m so sore. this HAS to be doing something. i’m getting into better shape.’ while at the same time another brain cell says, ‘all this work and all this pain for barely any results?’
for me it’s a constant fight. how to tell myself to stay active as part of being healthy, while not thinking that it’s just a waste of time if i’m not also losing some of the extra and unwanted pounds.
like you, i don’t want that discipline of recording and counting every friggin calorie. but it’s obvious that coming home after several consistent months of exercise with barely a change in jeans size to show for it means my eating is probably undoing my progress.
that’s probably the nexus of negativity for me – feeling tired and sore after a long training ride on the bike, but knowing there’s still several things in my closet i haven’t been able to wear since 2006 b/c of my refusal to be more disciplined in my eating. a baaaad kind of treadmill to be caught on with no light of acceptance at the end of the tunnel.
i guess bottomline is that it’s all mental, and it just reveals my own lack of mental strength.
I actually don’t think it’s a lack of mental strength at all. Internal struggles will come when there’s a paradigm shift: you’ve said you’re trying to look at exercise as getting healthy without worrying about the scale so much.
I would focus more on the results that have little to do with aesthetics. From what I see in your comment, results (for you)=smaller pants. I’d focus more on increased flexibility, strength, stamina, that sort of thing. Success, when it comes to Health at Every Size, isn’t measured in pounds but in how one feels.
Oh, and as far as that stuff in your closet you haven’t been able to wear since 2006? Click this sentence, then clean out your closet and go shopping! There is really no need in worrying yourself with the size you used to be. As far as I’m concerned, as long as you’re eating what your body wants, and moving as well as you can, you’re healthy, no matter WHAT the scale says.
meditation is good