*sob* LEAVE SANTA ALONE!!!!11!!! *sob*

Now see…I haven’t been writing, because I haven’t felt my typical self (I’m getting my life together. And for the erroneous trolls that may be lurking, hell no, I ain’t dieting). And then I read this post over at The F-Word.

Santa is being told to shift the pounds before Christmas – because the obese saint is failing to set a “good example” for children.

The traditional children’s hero, best known for feasting on mince pies left out on Christmas eve, has always sported a bulging midriff.

But shopping centre bosses are giving the well-wisher his marching orders – to the nearest gym – to tackle the increasing problem of obesity.

Oh, my dear sweet God on HIGH! So (and I feel the need to do this with every discovery I make) MY fat will make me dumb, is contagious, will cause a host of cancers, and in late breaking news, kids, threatens national security, and now SANTA’S fat is gonna make little kids fat because they look up to him? And as a result, you’re putting him through Santa Boot Camp?! Who in the mauve hell’s bright idea was this?

No, seriously. They have a Santa Boot Camp:

Bluewater shopping centre in Greenhithe, Kent, has even gone one step further and set-up a Santa boot camp.

Fiona Campbell-Reilly, spokeswoman at the shopping centre, said: “Santa has been around for years, but society has changed and our Santa needs to reflect this.

“Bluewater’s Santa Boot Camp is getting Santa in shape and setting a good example to children who idolise him.

“He will still be the same lovable jolly man, but will be fitter and healthier.”

Now, for the sake of argument, if the world is getting fatter (ahem: “The revelation comes after a medical report earlier this month stated that by 2050 more than 50 per cent of Brits will be obese.”) does it make sense to anyone else to make Santa SMALLER? If the OMGOBESITYEPIDEMIC folks are to be believed, then Santa ought to be packing on a couple of pounds, not taking them off. I’m just saying. And if we’re gonna “reflect” this supposed change in size of the world, making him skinny ain’t gonna cut it, Jack. We’re trying to be AUTHENTIC here, folks!

And secondly…kids look up to Santa as a patron saint of fat? I mean, I looked up to him (and still do, ’cause he’s REAL dammit!) for his acts of charity and good will towards children. I mean, if I were physically (and financially) able to give all the children of the world toys, I’d do it in a hot minute. I envy this man. He can give folks presents, AND they give him free food (here in the States, we tend to leave Ol’ Saint Nick cookies and milk as opposed to mince pie, so he gets a nice variety. I actually left him a sandwich one year. Turkey, on whole wheat!) But we’re just gonna be real: many kids ain’t looking at what Santa LOOKS LIKE, they look at what Santa DOES, i.e., leave them gifts.

And I might also add that those who DO emulate Santa aren’t trying to put on weight (so wait, are these folks insinuating that all fat folks are fat because we CHOOSE to be? We’ve told folks otherwise, right? If not, that’s a rant for another day) but are again, emulating his GOOD DEEDS.

But no. Let’s take away Santa and make him thin. Because he’s making children fat, just like their lack of sleep.


7 Responses to “*sob* LEAVE SANTA ALONE!!!!11!!! *sob*”

  1. 1 riddlebiddle
    November 13, 2007 at 1:05 am

    OMG. I love the style of your writing. And this bit…

    Oh, my dear sweet God on HIGH!

    …took me straight back to my childhood. Are you Southern? Because you talk like my aunties, and I absolutely LOVE IT. Keep it up!

  2. November 13, 2007 at 1:47 am

    LOL….yep, I’m a Southerner, “bahn and raised” as my great-aunts would say. I love that you were able to pick up on that…I gotta say, I didn’t pay it much attention till you said something about it.

    And thanks so much for the compliment! 😀

  3. 3 riddlebiddle
    November 13, 2007 at 8:49 am

    I can only do that because people do it to me, and I’ve started noticing it more and more myself. Recently in class, a friend and I were talking about a girl who’s a total mess, and I said simply, “Bless her heart.” My friend whipped her head around and said, “Where you from?”

    Alabama born, Georgia-raised, right here. The South has the best slang ever!

  4. 4 cherylsday59
    November 15, 2007 at 9:14 am

    Yes! Yes! Yes! Excellent way of stating what should be the obvious. Keep tradition and stop the “madness.” Good Lord! Some people act like a tree fell on them. If Santa is gonna make us all FAT, then we better get rid of the cow commercials too! Cheese and milk… cows… uh, oh… my kid is going to look like a cow! Can we say, “FIND A REAL CAUSE AND PROMOTE IT?” Santa, the Easter Bunny, and so forth aren’t fair game. If you don’t like the traditions, don’t participate, but leave the rest of us ALONE to enjoy it our way. What next? Keep up your writing… love your wit and style. Southern girls have style!

  5. 5 Betty L.
    December 9, 2007 at 5:40 pm

    Now stop!!! This is going too far!! What will be next. They (6% of the USA) are non believers in God and look what they are doing. Now Santa!!! That it!! Stop!!

    Another Southen Lady

  6. 6 Rob J
    December 10, 2007 at 4:01 pm

    Check out keepsantafat.com. Sign the petition and let these people know who really needs to “lighten up”. Also, for every signature collected a pound of food will be donated to America’s Second Harvest.

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